Snaperella or A Seriously Insane Fanfic
by EvylNabikula
Summary: Snape finally gets the job of his dreams. (Dun, dun, dun.) Whatever will he do with those pesky Gryffindors?


Disclaimer:All HP related charecters and phrases are not mine.(Though everyone that reads these should know that already.)  
  
I'm not out to reap any benefits by writing these. I wrote them purely for fun. Which is why I also ask that you not take anything too seriously. I mean no harm.  
  
Please respond. Flames will be cheerfuly used to reignite the pilot to my water heater. I'll decide after getting reviews whether or not to continue.  
  
Warning: This was written after an overabundance of Toyfare's Twisted Mego Theatres. Zaniness abounds.  
  
So with out further ado...  
  
Dumbledore's Fractured Finger Puppet Players Present: Snaperella.  
  
::scene fades into Dumbledore's office. On his desk sits a small stage. Nearby is a group of small figures, each one eerily like a different student, teacher or other important charecter. A miniature McGonagall is lecturing a tiny Weasley twin-set, who are obviously trying not to laugh. A small Hermione is arguing with a minute Ron. A little Harry is watching them, exasperation on his face. A petite Draco stands taunting a diminutive Neville. A slight Snape watches all with a look of disgust on his face.::  
  
Unwilling Narrator: "What's this?"  
  
Dumbledore: "My finger puppets."  
  
Narrator:"...finger puppets?"  
  
Dumbledore::hands the narrator a scroll::"And your script"  
  
Narrator::glances over the script and sighs::"You have got to be kidding me! Playwritten by Fred and George Weasley?"::shakes her head::"Okay, here we go..."  
  
::Onstage, the curtains are closed. Sounds of excited preperation can be heard from behind. There is the sound of stomping feet, a crash, a fizzle, and a yelp::  
  
Voice 1: "Fine! But I am not wearing this dress!"  
  
::The curtains draw open to reveal the slight Snape in a white frilly dress with red hearts. The Weasley twins are staring him down, wands still smoking and aimed directly at Snape.::  
  
George(or is it Fred?):"Take it off then!"  
  
Snape fans in the audience:"Yeah! Take it off! Woo-hoo!"  
  
::Fred nudges George and the back offstage smiling. The narrator gapes at the scene until Dumbledore gently prods her.::  
  
Narrator: "Everyday, Snaperella worked hard, teaching in the cold dungeons. Day and night he slaved over bubbling cauldrons. But he had hoped of a better position and more interesting subject."  
  
::Snape glares silently at the audience. Fred pokes his head out from offstage.::  
  
Fred:"Pssst! Say your line."  
  
::Snape's lip curls. Fred aims his wand at him and a line of fire shoots from it, burning Snape on the behind. Snape snarls::  
  
Snape::very forcibly::"Woe. Is. Me. For. I. Do. Not. Have. The. Job. Of. My. Dreams."  
  
Guy in the first row:"This is going to take a while."  
  
Snape fans::glaring angrily at guy::"Shh! Snaape speaks!"  
  
Snape::now frightened of his fans speaks faster::"Defense Against the Dark Arts. So close, yet so far it seems. The years come to and the years go by. Still that job is not mine. Dumbledore just will not concede, no matter how I..."::looks at Fred:: "I do not CRY!  
  
::Fred shrugs::  
  
Snape::sounding a bit whiny:: "Does it have to rhyme? None of this sounds like me!"::stomps his foot::  
  
George::running on stage:: "No! This does!" ::hunches his back. Wrings his hands together. Wears a sadistic sneer::"50 points from Hufflepuff! 50 poinst from Ravenclaw! 1,000 points to Slytherin per brown-noser. 3 million points from Harry Potter::in a cackling voice:: And your little dog too!"::laughs wickedly::  
  
Snape:"I don't sound like that! 50 points from Gryffindor for aweful impressions!"  
  
Narrator::taking advantage of the pause. reads on paying no attention to the other players filling the stage:: "His first obstacle was Professor Quirell"  
  
Weasley Twins: "Harry took care of him."  
  
Narrator:"Then there was Gilderoy Lockhart"  
  
Ron:"Took care of himself."  
  
Narrator:"And Remus Lupin"  
  
Snape:"I took care of him!"  
  
Remus:"...I quit."  
  
Snape: "Because of me."  
  
Remus:"You.." ::expletive not used. Use your imagination::  
  
Narrator:"Then Mad-Eye Moody"  
  
Sirius::snarls:: "Crouch!"  
  
Narrator:"Welll..yes, but he did a great impression."  
  
Snape:"Wait! That means..."::turns to Dumbledore:: "I want the job"  
  
Dumbledore: "Good! The world needs more desire"  
  
::Crickets chirp as everyone takes this the wrong way::  
  
Slash and Het fans in the audience:"YEAH!"  
  
Filch::spits on the floor:: "You people disgust me."  
  
Narrator::in a whiny voice:: "None of this is in the script!"  
  
::Everyone files offstage but Snape::  
  
Narrator:"So after a long day after a long class filled with Gryffindors, Snaperella was visited by his Step-Headmaster"  
  
Slash Fans: "'Headmaster!' Yeah!"  
  
Dumbledore::walks onstage:: "Snaperella, I have some news for you. Snarfblat. Hyena. Googily."  
  
Narrator::reading ahead in the script:: "None of this makes sense! Since when does Hogwarts take foreign exchange students?"  
  
Mary-Sue:"I don't come in until later. I'm a much better narrator by the way"  
  
Harry's Long-lost-twin-sister-from-Rhode Island, Lulu: "How the heck did I end up in Rhode Island, anyway?"  
  
Narrator:"SHUTUP!" ::flips back to the correct page:: "Snarfblat. Hyena. Googily. Which translates into 'Oh, indignant and ungrateful step-Professo. I will give you one chance to teach that which you so desire..."  
  
Slash and het fans:"Desire! Yes!"  
  
Narrator::speaking loudly::"You have one year to prove yourself worthy. If after said time, you do well, you keep the job. If not, you will turn back into a pumpkin."  
  
Guy: "When was he a pumpkin?"  
  
Heckler: "This sucks!"  
  
::curtains close and the players rush onstage to prepare for next scene. The curtains draw open again to reveal the next set::  
  
Guy: "Why does the D.A.D.A classroom look like the dungeon without cauldrons?"  
  
Narrator: "Snaperella finally had his dream job, but found it harder than he imagined. The students would not shutup long enough to let him teach"  
  
Ron: "You only like Krum cause he hangs out in the library and misprounces things!"  
  
Hermione: "No, I only like him because it make you jealous."  
  
Ron::stares:: I still don't get why you're dating him.  
  
Mary-Sue: "I'm a better seeker than Krum."  
  
Hermione: "Hey! There's only one Mary-Sue in this universe and that's me!"  
  
Mary-Sue: "I'm a better Mary-Sue than you are."  
  
Neville::to Harry:: "How come that girl looks just like you?"::points to Lulu::  
  
Harry: "I don't think she looks that much like me."  
  
Neville:"She could be your twin."  
  
Harry: "She has a mustache and blonde hair."  
  
Draco: "Potter sucks!"  
  
Slashers: "Malfoy's ferret!"::they laugh::  
  
Draco::bottom lip quivering:: "Daddy! They're saying mean things to me."  
  
Lucius:"Silence, brat! I'm far too busy acting superior!"  
  
Snape: "Class! Quiten down!"  
  
::George throws a spider at Ron. Ron screams like a girl and runs off stage::  
  
Snape: "50 points from Gryffindor for screaming like girls!"  
  
Mysterious Foreign Exchange Student: "Why are Fred and George here anyway?"  
  
Snape: "50 points from Gryffindor for asking logical questions!"  
  
M.F.E.S: "I'm a Hufflepuff."  
  
Snape: "I don't care! 50 more cause I'm on a roll!"  
  
Hermione::shrugs:: "Just go with it."  
  
::a woman walks up to Snape and plants a kiss on his cheek:: "Hullo, Dear. "  
  
Snape:"Do I...know you?"  
  
Woman: "You should, I'm the wife/ex love/current love interest that you always seem to get paired with for a tragic history/dramatic tension/mushy side in non-slash fanfics"  
  
Narrator: "To top it all off, his Fairy-teaching assistant was none other than Serious Blaque..'Name has been changed to protect his identity?'...Who in the world is that going to fool?"  
  
Sirius: "I hate you."  
  
Snape: "You tried to kill me...you meannie."  
  
::they try to outglare each other::  
  
Snape's "Love"::looks at Sirus:: "Wow! He's hot!"  
  
Snape fans::boo and hiss:: "You're meant to help Sevy redeem himself!"  
  
"Love"::to audience: "I think Snape's hot, too. I had to have some reason to be his wife/ex-love/current love interest"  
  
Snape fans::boo and hiss:: "But we wanted him!"  
  
Sirius::stops glaring:: "Hey. You are hot."  
  
Snape: "Sorry. I don't wave my wand that way."  
  
Slashers: "Only one boy-girl kiss?" ::they leave::  
  
Dumbledore: "Well Snaperella, it's been one full year and Voldemort hasn't shown up once."  
  
Voldemort: "Ha, ha! Tricked you!::knocks out Dumbledore::"Now no one can defeat me!"  
  
::Audience boo and hiss(although some cheer)::  
  
Harry::running up to him:: "I can!" ::audience cheers::  
  
Voldemort: "No, you can't" ::a. boos::  
  
Harry: "Can!" ::a. cheers::  
  
Voldemort: "Can't!" ::a. yawns::  
  
Harry: "Can!"  
  
Voldemort: "Can't times infinity!"  
  
Harry: "...damn!"  
  
Voldemort: "Join me and together we will rule Disney World!" ::evil laugh::" ...wait. NO! I mean together we will rule the world!" ::evil laugh::  
  
Harry::sighs:: "How many times do I have to tell you no?"  
  
Voldemort: "Fine!" ::knocks him out:: "Now no one can defeat me!" ::turns to Snape:: "Join me!"  
  
Snape: "I already have." ::rolls up his sleeve::  
  
Voldemort: "Yeah, but you defected. That doesn't count!" ::knocks him out:: "Now no one can defeat me!" ::evil laugh::  
  
Heckler: "You rock!"  
  
Voldemort::nodding:: "Dude"  
  
Heckler: "Dude"  
  
::Mary-sue knocks out Hermione and steals a kiss from Ron, Fred, George, and Draco::  
  
Mary-sue: "I can defeat you!"  
  
Voldemort: "No you can't"  
  
Mary-Sue: "Watch me! And I'll do it with just this spork!" ::is struck by lightning and dies::  
  
Voldemort: "Now..."  
  
Audience::in unison, dully::".no one can defeat you."  
  
Voldemort: "Followers!" ::is knocked out by Pigwidgeon carrying a howler for Fred and George. The audience cheer half-heartedly. Madame Pomfrey revive everyone by pouring water on them::  
  
Dumbledore: "Snaperella, I'm sorry to say, but you did a horrible job"  
  
Snape: "It wasn't my fault!"  
  
Dumbledore: "They didn't learn anything. All you did was subtract points from Gryffindor!"  
  
Snape: "With all due respect, it was a very short year."  
  
Dumbledore: "Nevertheless, it is a cursed positon." ::turns Snape into an ostrich::  
  
Narrator: "What the..?!"  
  
Guy: "What does any of this have to do with Cinderella? I mean, what about the ball? The coach? An actual plot?"  
  
Hetters: "Not even a princess!"  
  
Princess: "I go by % now."  
  
Narrator::raising her hands in exasperation:: "That's it! I've had it! The end! Good-bye! Remind me never to volunteer for this again!"  
  
Well, that's the end. 


End file.
